How to improve your Domestic Discipline relationship with shame

Some people who practice the Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle have very strong opinions about whether the disciplinary process is humbling or humiliating to the punished woman. There are those who believe that a punishment spanking is appropriately humbling, but does not humiliate the woman in any way. Others believe that humiliation is an integral part of disciplining a misbehaving woman and has its own beneficial effects. The debate on this issue rages with one major point overlooked by many: most women who engage in this debate are spanked in more or less the same way with very similar results – tears, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation and love. Those who argue the humbling/humiliation issue are often ignoring the fact that it is largely a semantic argument, not an emotional or practical one.


There is an even bigger point that is missed by people who engage in this controversy: the fact that humbling and humiliation are not as important as some may believe. What is much more important in Loving Domestic Discipline is something called shame. (Hopefully this article will not arouse a new debate with some women claiming that their punishment spankings are shaming while others protest loudly that their own disciplines are merely chastening!)

What is shame?

As a noun, its primary definition is “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.” This meaning is the most important one for the purposes of Loving Domestic Discipline. Its secondary definition is “a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute,” which is the kind of shame that goes beyond humbling into a deeper sense of humiliation for the punished woman. For all situations and for all couples, the first definition of shame will suffice, while the second definition will come into play for those who are comfortable with the idea of humiliation.

One of the effects of taking the misbehaving woman and spanking her soundly is to make her feel ashamed of her behavior. This is one of the main goals of Loving Domestic Discipline, since it is about teaching the woman to modify her behavior – for her own good and for the good of those around her. Loving Domestic Discipline helps to make the woman ashamed of her misbehavior – her words and/or her attitudes. In short, it makes her ashamed of what she has said and done.

Loving Domestic Discipline is not designed to make the woman ashamed of herself for who she is: Mexican, Caucasian, African-American, short, tall, redhead, brunette, etc. It would be both cruel and pointless to spank a woman in order to make her feel ashamed of who she is, because she can’t change that. What she can change, however, are her attitudes and her behavior. When an HOH disciplines his woman, he is helping her to modify her attitudes and her behavior.

Is shame the same thing as humbling or humiliation?

No, it is not. Shame can result from humbling or humiliation, but it can also result from many other additional factors too. The entire process of disciplining a woman by spanking her to tears creates a synergistic effect that helps to shame the woman so that she can become aware of her guilt. Awareness of her guilt helps her to begin to take responsibility for her misbehavior and accept her punishment as both necessary and beneficial.

Shame is a necessary part of Loving Domestic Discipline, because the woman’s awareness of her guilt is critical when she is being punished for her misbehavior. It is vital that she understand that she is made to feel ashamed, because her feelings of shame precede many other positive attitudinal changes. If she does not first feel shame, she will never get to those other, more positive emotions that lie further down the track.

Shame is not the only goal of Loving Domestic Discipline. It is only a step, albeit an important one, along the way. Loving Domestic Discipline is a process. Loving Domestic Discipline is also a journey that takes the woman from negative attitudes or behaviors into positive attitudes and behavior. The woman is guided along this journey by her husband, who, as her HOH, is there to lead her through the process of her punishment so that she can emerge changed, loving, submissive, positive, obedient, respectful and honest at the journey’s end.

How does shame benefit the woman who is being disciplined for her misbehavior?

Shame works on a number of different levels to bring about positive change in the spanked woman. Shame breaks down her pride, her arrogance and her pigheadedness. These are some of the negative qualities that have caused her attitude problem or feminine misbehavior in the first place. Negative qualities like stubbornness and arrogance are closely linked to the causes of her misbehavior, because they create a strong resistance to change. When the woman is resistant to positive change as suggested verbally by her HOH or as previously agreed by both parties, she remains locked in her negative behavior and attitude. At this point, spanking her is critical to break down her resistance to change. The feeling of shame that she experiences during her spanking helps to break down her resistance to change. That is why it is so important to shame the punished woman.


Resistance to change, in this case, is about the woman’s resistance to learning. She has already been given at least one opportunity to learn the easy way. She has presumably been brought up to know the difference between right and wrong, between helpful and harmful behavior, between loving and hateful words. Her HOH has set her a good example of positive behavior. They have discussed what constitutes punishable misbehavior under their Loving Domestic Discipline agreement, whether it is verbal or written.

Yet, for whatever reason, the woman has rejected these opportunities to learn the easy way. Instead, she has chosen to behave in a negative, disrespectful, dishonest, disobedient and non-loving manner. For this misbehavior, she must be punished by her HOH. Instead of learning the easy way, she must now learn the hard way – by being put over his knee and spanked to tears until she has learned her lesson.

Shaming the misbehaving woman helps to break down her resistance to learning.

The rigidity in her outlook that is a product of her proud and stubborn attitude needs to be dealt with so that she can start to learn her lesson in a more flexible and positive way.

Ultimately, shaming the woman who is being disciplined helps to break down her resistance to love. When she is proud, arrogant and stubborn in her attitude, she is resistant to both giving AND receiving love. She refuses to give love except on her own terms. And usually, she also refuses to receive love from her HOH. He is obliged to turn to the techniques of Loving Domestic Discipline and punishment spanking in order to communicate his message to her and return her to a more loving outlook. The act of disciplining her is always ultimately a loving act, because it is performed to help his woman become a better woman, a better wife and a better person.

Shaming benefits the spanked woman by contributing to teaching her a lesson.

The woman’s realization of her own misdeed is the key to turning her attitude and behavior around, so that she can move from an arrogant, non-loving attitude to a submissive, loving one. It is the critical moment – when the spanking changes from being something (in the woman’s mind) that a “cruel” HOH imposes unilaterally on his “poor, innocent” wife, to a justly deserved and lovingly administered punishment that is designed to correct and help the woman. That moment comes when the woman realizes that she was in fact at fault. She was wrong to misbehave the way she did. That moment occurs when she first starts to feel ashamed of her behavior and attitude. When she begins to feel ashamed, she starts to really learn her lesson. Until then, the entire spanking is slowly and painfully leading up to the point of awakening her sense of shame.

The unpleasantness of being spanked is a strong deterrent against future feminine misbehavior. The even greater unpleasantness of being made to feel ashamed of her behavior reinforces and enhances the deterrent effect of a spanking.

Giving the misbehaving woman a sense of shame for her misbehavior improves the beneficial effect of her punishment. The many benefits of Loving Domestic Discipline, including catharsis, cleansing of negative thoughts, attitudes and emotions, submission, obedience, etc – these are all enhanced by the woman’s feeling of shame at her misbehavior and her feeling of shame that she needs to be spanked in order to teach her a lesson.

Her feeling of shame has a synergistic effect with the pain of her spanked bottom.

It combines with the pain of her spanking to deliver a result that is more than the sum of its parts. Spanking her alone without shaming her would not be sufficient to discipline her properly. Neither would shaming her without spanking her. She needs both experiences as a woman to really learn her lesson. She needs to be made to experience the pain of her spanking and she also needs to be made to feel the shame of her guilty realizations about her own misbehavior. Shaming her reinforces the pain in her spanked bottom. And vice versa.

Shame is also beneficial for the disciplined woman because it helps to bring her to tears. Many women find that they don’t necessarily cry from the pain of their spanking. What really makes a woman cry is the sudden realization that she has let herself and her HOH down. She has behaved in such an immature, selfish and negative way that he has been obliged to spank her like a child, to bring her to her senses. This realization of how badly she has behaved will often be the trigger that causes a woman’s tears to begin flowing. She will sob in shame because she has understood the reason for her punishment. She will sob in shame because she knows that her negative behavior has resulted in her HOH having to administer a punishment spanking to teach her a lesson. She will sob in shame because she realizes that she has hurt at least two people with her misbehavior – herself and her HOH. Her sense of shame should also enable her to understand that her HOH is disciplining her because he loves her. The realization that her HOH is actually spanking her out of love will often make the woman cry even harder, because she suddenly sees how unloving her own behavior was, and how much she needed to be disciplined.


The shame that a woman experiences as she is being spanked to tears will also have the wonderful benefit of leading her directly to more submissive feelings and attitudes. Her shame for her misbehavior will make her realize that not only should she submit to her punishment to help cleanse her shame cathartically, but that she should also submit even more willingly to her HOH, who has had the love and the wisdom to recognize her misbehavior and to administer a firm punishment spanking as a consequence. Shaming the spanked woman is very important in helping her to submit to both her punishment and to her HOH. Her feelings of shame lead directly to much deeper submission, and therefore, a more fulfilling experience of her own femininity. Shame helps to bring her back to her true, feminine, loving core.

The connection between shame and submission is very important for the concept of Maintenance Discipline spanking. The shame that a woman experiences as a result of receiving a bare-bottomed Maintenance Discipline spanking helps her to feel more submissive. These feelings of submission that are triggered by her shame are highly beneficial for her as a woman. Her submissive feelings help her to benefit greatly from regular Maintenance Discipline. These feelings are directly contributed to by the sense of shame she feels when she is spanked for maintenance or for punishment. It must be noted that shame is not the only cause of a woman’s feeling of submission when she is disciplined or punished. There are many other factors that also contribute to her submissive feelings, not just shame. But shame is an important one and should not be neglected.

Can shame be avoided?

Some people wonder if shame can be avoided in Loving Domestic Discipline. Perhaps the woman can be spanked without shaming her. Perhaps she could experience the (for some women) sexually stimulating effect of being spanked on her bottom without being made to feel ashamed of her misbehavior. As you can probably guess, this is simply not true. Shame is an integral part of the disciplinary process in Loving Domestic Discipline. Whenever the woman needs to be punished for her misbehavior, she also needs to be made to feel ashamed. Shaming her is a vital, integral component of her punishment.

Moreover, whenever a woman is spanked to tears, this process automatically creates a strong sense of shame in her. Despite some people’s assertions to the contrary, it is not possible to spank a woman until she cries without also making her feel ashamed of her behavior. When a woman needs to be disciplined, she needs to be taught her lesson strongly, not in some weak, insipid manner. Sending her a polite email, informing her that her behavior is unacceptable, will just not work. She needs to be taught a strong lesson. By spanking her and shaming her, she will experience a sufficiently strong lesson to achieve significant behavior modification and attitude adjustment.

How can a woman be made to feel ashamed during her punishment? Are there any special techniques? Not in particular. The basic techniques of Loving Domestic Discipline as outlined in this article and in others are more than sufficient to make a woman feel ashamed of her behavior and ashamed of the need for her HOH to punish her for this misbehavior.

There is, however, one very simple but very effective technique that an HOH can use to help shame his woman when he is punishing her. He needs to communicate his reluctance to discipline her. He should explain to her, in as many or as few words as necessary, that he does not want to punish her, but he is forced to do it for her own good. He needs to express his regretful but firm approach to her behavior and her need for discipline. He needs to communicate the simple fact that although he does not want to spank her to tears, he is going to do so because he knows it must be done for her own good. The only thing worse than hurting her with the pain of a punishment spanking is allowing her misbehavior to go unpunished and therefore unchanged. Not punishing her misbehavior would be sending her a silent message of encouragement that encourages additional feminine misbehavior. Thus, because he loves her, the HOH will express the reluctance with which he disciplines her, but also his absolute determination to do whatever is best for her. In this case, what is best for her is to spank her until she is sobbing.

The benefit of the HOH explaining to his woman that he is not taking any pleasure in punishing her is that it makes her understand that the HOH is not disciplining her for his own sake. He is doing it for hers. Which leads to the logical and inescapable conclusion in her mind that she is the direct cause of her own punishment. Or more accurately, her misbehavior is the direct cause of her punishment. In this way, she can be quickly made to understand how she should correctly feel 100% responsible for her own behavior and her own destiny. If she had not misbehaved, she would not now be laying over her HOH’s lap, being spanked to tears.

If the woman is receiving a Maintenance Discipline spanking, she is obviously not being punished for her misbehavior. Instead, she is undergoing a regular reminder to behave well, to be submissive to her HOH, to be obedient, respectful, honest and above all, to always be loving in her conduct and her thoughts. So it is not necessary for her HOH to tell her that she is receiving the maintenance spanking because she has misbehaved. Instead, he should tell her explain to her that she is being disciplined for her own good. He can still point out that he does not necessarily want to spank her, but that he knows that it will be highly beneficial for her to receive this reminder spanking. It will help her to be more loving, submissive, obedient etc. It will make her feel loved and protected by her HOH, because he is willing to go to such lengths for her own good.

These kinds of statements from the HOH during a Maintenance Discipline spanking will combine with other factors to inspire a sense of shame in the disciplined woman. This will help to make her Maintenance Discipline more effective and more beneficial for her, because it also increases the likelihood that she will be brought to tears as she is spanked by her HOH.

The role of nudity

Nudity plays a role in helping to shame a woman who is being disciplined. As explained in the Nudity article, stripping the woman naked before she is spanked is not intended to make her ashamed of her own body. Rather, it has other benefits – making her feel more vulnerable and hence more submissive to her HOH, allowing her HOH to see clearly the effects of his swats on her bottom, encouraging obedience to her HOH as he punishes her, reminding her of her femininity, and making her feel more humility. Nudity will also increase her feeling of being punished like a naughty child, because a child’s nudity is treated far more lightly than an adult woman’s. Nudity is not inherently shaming itself, but it combines with other aspects of the disciplinary process to instill a sense of shame in the woman being disciplined. In general, punishments administered to the woman when she is clothed tend to be less effective than ones inflicted when she is nude.

Spanking the misbehaving woman is a deeply shaming act, because the woman’s misbehavior and arrogance are such that the only effective way to get through to her is to spank her to tears. If she were more mature, more sensible, more loving, more obedient, more honest and more respectful, she would not need to be spanked, because she would not have misbehaved in the first place. Instead, she must be spanked to tears in order to teach her a lesson. Spanking a woman is a sign of her own failure to behave well. As such, it is intrinsically shaming to the woman, because it reveals the extent of her misbehavior. It reveals the level to which she has allowed herself to sink, because she has not taken the care to be more loving, submissive, honest, obedient and respectful. As a result, she must be corporally punished, which will shame her deeply.

So the physical discipline itself is not only humbling to the woman but also shaming to her, because it makes evident her guilt and her need for correction. Spanking the misbehaving woman will automatically shame her, although this may take some time when the woman has a large reserve of pride, arrogance and stubbornness to break through. Once she has been spanked through these negative blocks to progress, her shame will dramatically increase and the learning process will begin for her. At this point she will probably begin crying tears of shame. If her spanking continues as it should, these tears of shame will eventually metamorphose into tears of contrition or repentance, signifying that she is at last genuinely sorry for her misbehavior.

Anything that can be done to humble the woman will help to make her feel more ashamed. Reducing her to a state of nudity will certainly help to humble her before her spanking begins. The spanking itself – the actual administration of firm, painful swats to her bottom – will further humble her and increase the chances of her developing a useful sense of shame about her misbehavior. Being forced to do things like collect the implement with which she is going to be punished and hand it to her HOH when he arrives in the room will certainly have a strongly humbling effect. Having to locate the instrument of her own punishment and meekly give it to her HOH should humble the misbehaving woman quite effectively in many cases, thus opening up the channels for her sense of shame to flower, progressively leading her closer to tears and to genuine regret for her misbehavior.

Having to adopt a particular position prior to her spanking will help to humble and shame the woman, especially if she has already been made to remove her clothing. This might mean standing, sitting, lying or even kneeling. It may mean that she is required to clasp her hands behind her head like she must during Corner Time. The shame of these various positions helps to educate the woman about the wrongness of her misbehavior.

Being obliged to address her HOH as “Sir” will have a humbling effect on the woman being disciplined. As well as stimulating her submission, this will also be a useful contribution to shaming her. Not all women address their HOH’s as “Sir” during punishment, but many report that it seems like the natural thing to do and that it helps them to feel more submissive to the man who is responsible for lovingly administering their spanking. In many cases, the use of the word “Sir” will help the woman become conscious of her guilt and her need for punishment at the hands of her HOH.

For those of you who are not afraid of the other “h” word (humiliation), any techniques that induce a feeling of humiliation in the punished woman will also help her to feel ashamed. Some people view humiliation as a more intense and unpleasant version of humbling, while others see them as being essentially identical. Loving Domestic Discipline has a humbling and some would say humiliating effect on the woman who is being spanked for misbehavior. Humiliation does not mean using BDSM techniques or bizarre practices that have nothing to do with Loving Domestic Discipline. It simply means to reduce the woman to a lower position in her eyes or others’ eyes. Which sounds very similar to humbling, in fact.


Scolding is one of the best and most effective techniques for shaming the woman during her discipline. Scolding is a great method of making her realize exactly what she has done and why she must be punished for her own good – and often for the good of others too, particularly if her misbehavior is harmful to those other people. Making her aware of the consequences and impacts of her misbehavior will help to teach her why punishment is necessary for her. It will help to make her feel ashamed of her behavior. The importance of effective scolding cannot be overstated when disciplining the misbehaving woman. A few, well-thought out words of scolding can stimulate a woman’s sense of shame, which then in turn makes her start to cry. If she can be scolded into tears before her spanking even starts, her HOH will be able to achieve a powerful and effective discipline that benefits her greatly. It should not shorten the length of her punishment, but it will certainly improve its quality and effectiveness.

Corner Time

Corner Time is a great opportunity for the woman to reflect on her behavior and the reasons for her punishment. It is a fantastic place and time for her to ask herself why she is being spanked and what she needs to change about her words or actions, so that she can avoid another punishment spanking for the same offense. Many women start crying not while their bottom is being spanked, but when they are standing in the corner. Corner Time obliges the woman to consider her actions and her responsibility for the predicament in which she finds herself. As she gradually works out what she has done to deserve her spanking, her growing realizations should give her a strong sense of shame. Her shame will often trigger a flood of tears as the woman realizes how badly she has let herself and her HOH down by her misbehavior. Corner Time is extremely effective in helping a woman feel ashamed of her misbehavior.


Tears work in both directions as far as shame is concerned in Loving Domestic Discipline. Shame can certainly stimulate a woman’s tears during her discipline. But if the pain of the spanking alone is sufficient to bring her to tears, these tears can themselves produce a sense of shame in many women. Though not all women feel ashamed of their tears, since they are a natural, feminine response to various emotions and situations, many feel ashamed of themselves when they start to cry. Their shame then makes them cry more, which accelerates their progress towards tears of contrition and repentance.

So the HOH who seeks to instill a sense of shame in his woman when he is disciplining her need not learn any new techniques. He must simply practice and perfect the existing basic techniques of Loving Domestic Discipline, so that he can discipline his woman more effectively. In particular, expressing his sincere regret at having to punish her will often be very helpful in shaming her, as will improving his ability to scold her thoroughly for her misbehavior.

What should the woman do, on the other hand? When the woman starts to feel ashamed of herself for her misbehavior, what should she do? She should use her shame to help her accept her discipline more willingly and submissively. She should accept the wisdom of her HOH in deciding to punish her. She should submit more humbly to her punishment. If she is currently not crying, she should allow her tears to flow, since they are a natural result of her shame. If she is already crying, she should allow her tears to flow even more copiously, rather than trying to suppress or restrict them unnaturally. It is normal, healthy and natural for a woman to cry when she feels ashamed during her discipline. It is abnormal, unhealthy and unnatural to repress her desire to cry.


It should be apparent by now that shame is an integral and important part of the Loving Domestic Discipline process. It is vital that the woman be made to feel ashamed of her misbehavior during her punishment, because her feelings of shame are the beginning of her surrender to her HOH, to truth and to love. If she tries to ignore her own feelings of shame, she will only increase the duration and severity of her spanking as her HOH works harder to bring her to a state of contrition for her negative actions and words.

The loving HOH will always encourage a feeling of shame in his woman when he is punishing her, because he knows how beneficial it is for her. Shame is also a normal, natural, healthy and extremely beneficial part of Loving Domestic Discipline. Shaming the misbehaving woman is a vital aspect of the disciplinary process in the wonderful Loving Domestic Discipline lifestyle.


5 thoughts on “How to improve your Domestic Discipline relationship with shame

  1. This is a great read and I will definitely share it with my husband! We have been practicing domestic discipline for 6 months and our marriage is happier and stronger than it has ever been. When my husband disciplines me, I do feel a great sense of shame over my misbehavior and that more than anything (even the spanking) motivates me to change.


  2. I really hate corner time and my husband is really big on corner time. I have to do a whole hour of corner time after a spanking with his strap, and I am always stripped naked for my corrections. It’s very hard for me to stand in the corner for that long this way , but it sure makes me think twice about disobeying or disrespecting my husband.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s