Early in our relationship I tested, tested, tested to see if I could ever “push him to the edge” so to speak.
However, while he has “taken the reins” so to speak and even spanked my bottom a few times with his hand, I just don’t seem to trust that he is really the leader in our house and marriage. Suddenly, I have an insatiable drive to once again, test, test, test. I am grateful for your articles that say this is normal, but it feels “out of control” to me. There is such an inner conflict going on inside of my heart and mind. Some call it bratting, but I’m not sure if that is it. I have a lifetime of manipulative, irresponsible behaviors…I have ALWAYS done WHATEVER I want to do. When something comes to mind, I do it. Now, a little voice tells me that my husband wants me to follow the schedule, but I still don’t. I’m smart enough to understand what submission means, but in the heat of the moment, part of me just wants to go have my fun. Meanwhile, another part of me wonders if my husband will be “man enough” to call me on it. Is this bratting or bad habits?
All in all, it’s making me wonder if my “spanking theory” was actually incorrect. I seriously have always thought that I needed someone to “Take Me in Hand”, spank my bottom soundly, and set me on the right path to accountability. I dropped out of high school for heaven sakes, and I was competing for first (top grades) in my class! I thought that the threat of a spanking would help curb my selfish impulses “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” I just keep doing things I shouldn’t, like talking on the phone for several hours instead of my duties as a wife and mother. However I now have less fear of my husband’s hand than I did when spanking was an imagined possibility!
My husband hasn’t been consistent in disciplining me.
But even more importantly, when a spanking is finally given, he tends to “stop” when I begin to resist. He probably thinks he’s “hurting” me too much when I get squirmy. The thought of just laying myself across his lap without at least trying to protect my bottom when it stings, seems unimaginable to me (of course a few weeks ago, I thought submitting was crazy). I have not really cried yet, even though I so completely want to….I want to feel sorry, to resolve to do better. I was pouting mad after my last spanking, because I felt that he was putting other, unimportant things first, before me. Considering the expectations he clearly gave me for that day, which I completely disregarded, I was due for a serious spanking (his words). But when the time came, he wanted to get a quick project done instead and rushed through a quick “obligatory” spanking that left me quite confused. I am also not feeling very remorseful for my behaviors (after all, I’ve done them for years with him ignoring them), except for that “voice” that is telling me I should submit and obey. I love that my husband loves me enough to be gentle and it seems that I should be downright grateful…so why am I not?
Taking advice from your experience with your wife, I have told him that he’s not “getting through” (poor guy’s feeling a bit wimpy I think) and that I suspect that I need a “memorable” spanking that will finally remind me to make the right choices…something I can think about before I take a step toward the “forbidden” so to speak. I feel like a complete and utter fool for asking my husband to do the thing I have avoided at all costs through my entire life (a paddling), but I am at the point where I figure this lifestyle is either going to work, or it’s not. Was this the right thing to do? It kind of feels like it puts me back in control and I’m pushing him around again. However, I told him tonight that I’d prefer to get it over with, because I guarantee that I will keep testing relentlessly until he proves to me that he means what he says about the new schedule and rules (in my mind, that he is really able to lead).
I have improved in many areas with being submissive, and I see improvement in our marriage because of it.
There is very little fighting now. I certainly understand that this lifestyle is about much more than just spanking (respect, love, submission, communication, passion, obedience, salvation…). But one has to admit that when you finally discover that spanking does exist “out there” and it’s really going to happen to you “back there”, it’s hard not to obsess about it at first. Despite my good intentions, certain behaviors are still ingrained in me. When my husband, in his attempts to be understanding and fair, is laid back about my disrespect and disobedience, it really is hard to respect him as the leader in our marriage. You seem completely convicted that this lifestyle is the natural order of things. Do you truly believe that spankings can help trigger me to somehow desire to behave better, to stop my selfish behaviors that bring chaos to our home? I have cried for years about the stress and discord in our home, thinking it was all my husband’s fault. Now I see my part, and I do want to correct it (for my mind and heart, as well as for obedience to God’s clear call for wives to submit).
Finally, here’s a short introductory video on Christian Domestic Discipline.