My husband and I have been practicing DD for almost two years now. I say “practicing” because as someone once pointed out to me, there is no such thing as a perfect DD marriage or any marriage really, so in essence, we are all practicing what we live.
At first, it was exciting and scary all wrapped up in one. Could we do this? Would it work? What would the results be? And the really scary question…. What if it didnt’ work?
I was the one who approached Hunter with the concept of DD. I did a lot of reading and digging and research and presented it all to him as the writer that I am and held my breath as he took it all in. Would he think I was crazy? Guess what, he didn’t !
Now, first off, you have to know my husband. He is very laid back, very easy-going and had never raised a hand to me, let alone stand up to me. I had a terrible temper and he found it best to take cover until the storms blew over. He also lived in a home where he saw his father beat his mother, so needless to say, he was a little reluctant about the whole idea. It took a lot of explaining and assurance to separate the difference in hitting and spanking, but he agreed to try it for me.
We were amazed at the difference right from the start.
Our marriage had never been “bad”, but it wasn’t as good as I wanted to believe it was. There was something missing and DD filled that empty spot. I was no longer floundering, but was accountable to my mate. We were communicating on a whole new level and I was learning how to step aside and be lead instead of running over everyone in my way.
We’ve been learning as we go and finding out what works for us and what doesn’t. I have been blessed to be a part of some really great forums out there and one thing a very wise woman told me right off was to take what you can and leave the rest. DD doesnt’ work the same for every couple and we all have to be willing to accept that part of the life. What works for “billy and susie” may not work for “jack and jill”, but it’s the basic concept that comes out the same in the end, an accountability.
Over the last several months, I’ve noticed a routine developing in our discipline. Where routine can be good, this felt more like DD was becoming just one more thing to check off of the “to-do” list for the day. We became complacent in it instead of diligent with it and were just going through the motions. It was as much a part of our nightime ritual as brushing our teeth and changing our clothes and could be inserted in without us missing a beat. The connection had disappeared.
Due to having young children in the house, we are often forced to wait until late in the evening before anything can be dealt with, so I began to feel like we were in a DD life, but only for 1-2 hours a day. It is not easy for my husband to confront me or to call me on a behavior and we were both allowing denial of an issue to keep us from addressing things as they arose.
So, at the beginning of this month, I issued a challenge to my husband.
I asked that he and I both take the entire month of April (which was fitting w/ it being our anniversary month) and commit to starting each day with a determination to make DD a lifestyle and not something that is saved for the last hour of the day. There is a belief that it takes three weeks to develop a habit, so a month gave us a week extra, lol. For a month, I was going to work on really living like I wanted him to be the HOH in our marriage and he was going to determine to act like he wanted to be HOH and to discipline himself to be more proactive when it comes to holding me accountable. Instead of DD falling as a last resort, we wanted it to become intertwined with our daily life.
Over the weeks, little things turned into bigger things. I started seeing my husband in a new light. He became my rock and my anchor. I found myself fully trusting in his ability to lead this home and in his ability to make the decisions regarding my discipline. I used to worry that he wouldn’t discipline me enough because it was never a natural tendency for him to lean towards this life, but now, I can’t remember the last time I had one of those thoughts. I am confident that he will do what he believes to be best for me and for us.
He has developed “the look” and is calling me on things as they happen which is making me more aware of my behavior and its impact on those around me. As I learn to trust him more, he is trusting himself more and is becoming an amazing HOH! Are we all there yet? Nope, this lifestyle is ever-changing in it’s execution, but the basic principles remain the same. You have to have a sense of humor and an open mind or it will never work.
So, my question for all of us DD couples is, Are you truly living a dd “lifestyle” or has it become just an element of your life on the sidelines?